i was just looking at the calender earlier on and it suddenly dawned upon me that its already the 25th november. which means, only a month away from christmas. 25th. never liked the twentyfifth. :(

my heart aches.
it has been exactly eleven months since my brother left for newyork.
no pictures, those few emails, even lesser phone calls really dont make up for him not being here. exactly eleven months ago.. i went to the airport even though my brother made me promise him that we wont send him off because he doesnt want it to be a sob sob affair. once i stepped into the airport, this wave of sadness filled me. even before i saw him, i was on the verge of tears.

in september, my brother mentioned that he might be coming back this december. but no, changes have been made and he doesnt know what he'll be back. last month, i dreamt that my brother came back without telling us. seeing him in town was such a torture.

i really dont want december to come because i will be reminded of so many things that happened last year. how can i enjoy christmas this year when last year i was at the airport sending my brother off. how can i even enjoy my birthday this year? i didnt really enjoy my 17th birthday last year. all i did was spend $1000 bucks in a day. buying things that i really dont need at all. went for the mom's side family bbq. and went home because the next day i had work at fucking mambo. and because of the stupid phone connection thing, i made two groups of people wait for me.

i just dont like december.
i wont like it unless my brother comes back.
i never liked reality.
now, i sound like a stupid spoilt brat.
turning 18 isnt really a big deal. just a whole truckload of responsibilities and prolly the ability to enter clubs using MY own id. oh the excitement. can you feel my eyes rolling.

december, i know you're coming in 5 days time.
can you go away please?
i dont like you even though there are supposedly so many joyful dates in december.
christmas. bek's bday. kor mel's bday. pa's bday. new years eve. li ang & ping's bday. irene's bday. baby kyra's bday. my eighteenth.

even after realising that so many people prolly love you december, i still cant make myself love you. or even anticipate your coming. i just want you to bug off.